What My Resume Should Actually Say

Work Experience

Receptionist at the Math Department

Since it was a work-study position, I didn’t really do anything. I answered phones and said hi to people. Sometimes I had to fill the copy machine.

Receptionist at the Library 

This was a little tougher job.  My old boss was really uptight and didn’t let me do my homework like a regular work-study student. My duties included watering plants, entering useless data entry into the computer, mail sorting and any other ridiculous job that evil woman wanted me to do.

Waitress/Hostess at a truck stop restaurant.

This is a job I would not wish on anybody. I served disgusting diner food to perverted, old truckers who thought that it is okay to hit a young gal like me. People would get mad at me if the cooks did something wrong and we were usually understaffed because no one wanted to work there

Carhop at Sonic 

I made drinks and milkshakes form 4 p.m. to midnight and when I got really good at that I delivered orders to cars. I wasn’t good at the box order so I would usually mess up a whole order. I did date the manager, who is seven years older than me, which is against company policy, but there’s an unspoken agreement between my old boss and I that he never tells possible employers about that.

Skills

·      Fluent in English and sarcasm.

·      I know a little bit of Spanish but people have to repeat themselves at least three times for me to fully understand what they’re saying.

·      I am an ex risk manager so I know keep people safe, but I can’t make decisions for them so I feel it’s a useless skill.

·      I’m super cute!

·      I play a mean clarinet, but my tennis skills are sub-par.

·      I have a high alcohol tolerance, but I have little knowledge of alcohol.

·      When it comes to driving, I take after my dad, which means I’m a badass.

·      I have a lot of “that’s what she said” jokes up my sleeve.